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lopsided pumpkins and anal probes, sep 15 - oct 5, 2001
October 5, 2001 22:31
this might be a bit long today, so read when you get the time. or delete or whatever.
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--polly want a cracker?--
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some of you might be wondering why i haven't written in a while, or maybe you were enjoying the absence of the annoying inbox clutter. whatever the case may be, have no fear, for the clutter has begun again!
the world is currently braced for excitement, for terror, for war. the media (as usual) are vultures preying on anything letting off the slightest aroma of drama. (quetion to self? do vultures have noses?[1]) although not trying to be too pitiful or egotistical, i must say that i, too, have my share of drama. i have for you a story of ruined plans for the future, a story of pain, a story of a brave recovery. i have survived, more or less, a long and bloody battle with .... duh duh duh....
MORE AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!!!,
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[1] Vultures, also known as buzzards, are scavenging birds which feed on the remains of dead animals. Two common vultures in the US are the turkey vulture [Cathartesaura] and the black vulture [Coragyps atratus]. "They locate their food both by scent, an unusual adaptation since most birds have a poorly adapted sense of smell, and by sight. Vultures will feed on just about any dead carcass, even those that have begun to rot. ... The vulture's bare head is an interesting adaptation which allows them to stick their head within the carcass of a dead animal without fear of soiling feathers and creating conditions for bacterial growth in the face. ... Close examination of the nasal openings in the beak reveal ...[that] the nostrils are extremely wide and open from one side of the bill straight across to the other side." [wildwnc.org]
Parotitis, (not to be confused with Parrotitis [can't think of a witty definition, but i'm sure there is one] , or Pairotits [self explanatory] ), is a little known name for a commonly known virus. Pairotits, ahem, parotitis is "inflammation or infection of the parotid salivary gland. This is the main salivary gland and lies under the angle of the jaw and the ear lobe. ... The most common cause of parotitis is now bacterial infection, since mumps has all but disappeared due to near-universal immunization. Most mumps you hear of will not be mumps but non-mumps virus parotitis, bacterial parotitis, or most likely, lymphadenitis [lymph gland infection]" [drhull.com]
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yes, back to my painful tragedy, my story of cancelled plans, my story of diarrhea, my story of .... the mumps! (or perhaps a misdiagnosed case therein)
i was counting the days down until wednesday, sep 20th, because that would be the day i would be boarding a plane and flying to the gorgeous, sunny island of okinawa. the trip had been planned for over a month and it involved my kiwi (!= fruit) friend cam and i taking our respective others on a surprise vacation. it was also supposed to turn into a birthday party/present for sachiko and cam, who's birthdays both fell on days during that week. i had worked so hard at trying to get sachiko to take off work for that week. "why? are we going somewhere?" "yeah, maybe. i think. just take off work and bring a bathing suit." at any rate, i'd been waiting for the 20th for quite some time.
i went to the climbing gym on sunday and climbed rather hard. i woke up monday morning with a strange sensation, i climbed so hard the day before that i had gone and pulled my jaw muscle. i thought that odd. anyway, went to work, then hit the climbing gym again that night. i mentioned to my friend that i must be climbing weird because my jaw hurt. he laughed.
the next morning i woke up and the right side of my face killed. ok, so it's not muscle pain now. i went to the mirror and saw to my surprise that the whole right side of my face had swollen up to about three times it's normal size, making me look like a lopsided flesh-colored pumpkin head. ok, it wasn't that bad, but it was definitely huge. anyway, i went to the hospital that day and had another interesting experience that would turn my plans of an okinawa paradise into utter diarrhea...
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--Hanno Central Hospital--
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the large cement block of a building beckoned from afar with a red cross embedded on a white square. the building was old, degraded, and resembled a coal power plant better than it did a hospital. located in the middle of a residential area, the main entrance was under a large-for-japan car port (presumably for an ambulance, though this hospital didn't have an emergency room.) behind the automatic sliding door there were millions of pairs of shoes lined up on the floor and in the cupboards on the side. we donned some of the 'Hanno Central Hospital' guest slippers (which, incidentally, are exactly the same slippers that can be found at almost all hotels, restaurants, and i guess hospitals, in japan - though these were well-used and holey.) and went inside.
once inside, the place still didn't feel like a hospital. it reminded me more of an elementary school gym foyer, with solid wood shelves and cabinets sporting tips on how to avoid liver cancer taking the place of old tournament trophies. the rest of the space was a tell tale sign of what the hospital was really used for - it was one large waiting room. as my cheek throbbed in pain, i patiently waited for the person behind the counter to make me my very own personal 'Hanno Central Hospital Patient Card (tm)'. i then watched in amazement as a couple brought their baby to the counter.
"Hello, this is our first time here. Our baby is sick and we were wondering what we should do."
"What's the problem?"
"I don't know, something's just strange."
"I see..."
"So what should we do?"
"Go to the next window please."
so the couple obediently moved four feet to the left to the next window and repeated the above conversation.
"First you need to register. Go to the next window please."
"But the curtain is closed."
"That's ok, go to the next window please."
patiently moving along they go to the curtained window and waited. the curtain didn't open. looking around the curtain they finally found the small 'Hanno Central Hospital Registration Sheet (tm)' in a box. sheesh...i'm glad i was with my boss, he seemed to know what he was doing. what amazed me was that the couple didn't get upset - or if they did, they did a good job of not showing it...
once my official patient card was complete, i was instructed to head over to the treatment waiting room, which was basically forty seats to the right. i then picked up a cardboard square with the number 53 written on it in red magic marker. hanging from the wall, there was a larger piece of cardboard hanging from two pieces of yarn with the numbers "11-15" written in black magic marker. directly below were a stack of other cardboard cards waiting to be flipped over, with writing on their backs kindly informing us to wait until our number was called.
it was now 9:30 in the morning, and i had waited about one hour until i was eligible to wait. my jaw killed and my head hurt. to make things better, i tried to read some comics from the book shelf, but i wasn't in the mood for the standard soccer sports stories, school mysteries, or big-eyed, no-nosed, quick 2-D porn. so i waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. the waiting room was actually quite bustling by this time. and it was fulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll to the brim with old people. i was the youngest person there (except for the couple's baby before). looking around it occured to me that these people weren't sick, they were here for the social atmosphere. baa-chan's and jii-chan's (old ladies and old men) were busy chatting about this person and that person and how good the doctor is today. this one guy who would just not go away, wouldn't stop telling us that one time he came here and he was number 90. number 90! "90?Ô?¾?×?I" he also wouldn't scoot over when someone else wanted to sit down. he made this old lady squeeze into a one cheek cushion with me. once she was comfortable he proceded to tell her that one time, a couple of months ago, he came into the hospital and he was number 90...then this guy who was 80 something years old was wheeled in. he smiled a vacant smile. the number-90 guy said:
jeez you look old! you must be over 100, no?
eh?
you must be over 100!
eh?
ONE HUNDRED! YOU MUST BE OVER 100!
ah, one hundred... yes, that's right, one hundred...
then his daughter (?) or someone came to take him to the testing room and said no, he's not 100, he's 80 something blah blah. to this the old man replied: "oh really...one time when i was here a couple years ago, i was number 90!..."
right. so it was now 12 something, i hadn't eaten anything all day, my cheek was huge and hurting, my head was hurting worse, my stomache starving, and my ears filled with old-skool jibber jabber and my cardboard savior was still taking his time, showing only "36-40". things started going a bit faster, though, in 40 minutes, i was inside with 6 other people, waiting to see the doctor. a nurse went down the line, asked our names, and took our blood presuure. everyone went ooh and aahh when they heard mine. 'it must be so nice to be young....' they said. the old ladies sitting next to me then began commenting on how pretty my puke green uniform for work was.
i finally got to see the doctor. he promptly made me say "ah", looked in my ears, commented that i should clean them more often, then told me to lay down, pat my stomache one, two, three or four times, asked if it hurt, i said "no", he said, "good, good, go get a blood test next door" and then like that, i was out shuffling towards the testing room waiting seats. five hours waiting made two minutes with the doctor seem like a pico second. or a pico-pico second. anyway, i didn't have to wait too long this time. five minutes i spent trying to pee into a neat thermal cup, and five minutes later i had a syringe in my arm taking blood. i was then told that my blood test results would take a week to get back (great, i'll either be dead or better...) and shuffled to go get my medicine. the medicine counter (where the couple with the baby went to first) was staffed by a skinny, quiet, japanese dracula type looking guy, who softly gave me a bag full of my medicine. twenty more minutes and about 0 dollars later, i was out and free, feeling no better than i had earlier that morning...
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--sooper pooper--
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so not to run the point into the ground, i'm still not feeling better, but i'm pretty sure it's not because of the mumps. i now most likely have a standard virus that's rattling around wreaking havoc in my intestines. i spend most of my days in the bathroom, but i've always done that, so it's not a big change. oh! incidentally, a sooper pooper came into the bathroom the other day! a sooper pooper, i tell ya! i was squatting in stall number one (for those of you who don't know, you squat in japanese pots) and someone comes hurrying into stall number 2. i swear, in two seconds!, in two seconds i hear a "Blbpmbplmbbplmbplmbplbbmbplbmplbmpblmbbplmbpblmbplmbplmbplbm!!!!", a flush, and the guy standing up to leave. it was incredible! the guy was in and out in a total of 15 seconds! i was impressed...
anyway, i haven't been a loyal emailer to much of anyone lately, let alone the weekly steve list. i went to the hospital again this morning, and to my surprise it took only one hour. also to my surprise, the nurse said "please roll over and pull down your pants". huh? i didn't know i how i felt about having this nice lady really have to ... stick ... that ... woah! sweet jeez...! oh...that felt kinda...
ahem. more next week.