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super toilets and porn-O-matics, aug 1 - 6, 2001
August 6, 2001 00:01
first of all, happy birthday to bro, who is now two decades old.
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--i like hotels--
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as i mentioned before, i had my second business trip last weekend, august 2-3. i've decided that Japanese business trips are funny. i mean, the company pays a relatively large amount of money for employees to travel far away .... why?! to hang out, eat, drink, talk, relax, and oh, have a meeting to decide one little thing, or nothing. i swear i didn't see a single thing decided, but when i got back to work today, my boss went over some of the things that had been decided. ha. i can't believe the amount of work that gets done right before my eyes without me ever noticing it. yes, japan is an interesting country. as is exemplified by its toilets. but i'll get to that later.
so after our long, uneventful meeting on the first day of the trip, we enjoyed some nice expensive sushi and beer (oh, and i ate uni for the first time: sea urchin....) we then retired to a super nice hotel, a japanese ryokan with an onsen (hot spring). to start off, i love going to the onsen, but the hotel room just made the experience so much better. it was a japanese style room that's bigger than my apartment now. you walk in and there's a nice foyer with a hard wood floor. the bath room is off to the left and the tatami room behind the shoji doors (those cool oriental paperish sliding doors) to the front. i walk in and find my futon already fluffed and ready for sleep, and my yukata (summer kimono) folded nicely in an open drawer. there's a long, low table with a floor chair and then a hardwood-floored alcove to the left, and a cedar pillar split perfectly down one side with wedges to give the room a nice scent. this was complemented nicely by the japanese calligraphy on the wall, oh, and an incense burner on the floor. there were plates, cups, and chopsticks in a small cupboard, green tea leaves, cups and a teapot, along with 2 liters of hot water and a thermos of ice water. a tv, table, and chair were next to the window and a safe was underneath the warddrobe.
this room had everything, including the standard 3 bucks-30 minute porn machine. put in 300 yen and then turn on channel one. i swear, every single japanese hotel i've stayed in has had the 3 bucks-30 minute porn machine. cute, cute.
anyway, well, i got dressed in my cool yukata, and checked myself out in the mirror. how you doin? time for the bath. the boss knocks on the door and we head down to the onsen and get naked. the onsen is naturally hot and full of nutrients that make your skin feel really soft. i love it. we washed up then leisurely soaked ourselves in the boiling water while talking about various things. hadaka no tsukiai. naked conversation... it was pretty cool. tried to sit in the 100 degree celsius sauna but it was too much for me. boss laughed as i jumped in the cold bath. shrinkage galore! right, moving along...
so it was about 10 when i got back to my well furnished room. and since there were so many rad things provided for me, i decided that i had to use everything at least once. so, dressed in my yukata, fresh from the naturally hot waters from deep down below, i opened every drawer and cabinet in the place. satisfied, i then lit one of the complimentary matches, just so i could put it in the ash tray. oh, then lit another to light the incense. then i decided that i couldn't wear a yukata and not drink green tea, so i put some of the tea leaves into the pot and added the hot water provided. then i thought i should drink some ice water, too, so i opened the cupboard to use a cup. then i sat at the low table on the small cushioned floor chair and read a book i brought with while sipping green tea. after about the second pot, i decided that it was time to watch tv. flipping through the channels, i got to the fuzzy channel one. ...hmm...well, i did say i was going to use everything. so i pour another batch of green tea and pop a 100 yen coin into the porn-O-matic.
... and why, oh why, is the volume on the porn channel so high?! instantly i was bombarded with loud ah's and grunt's that i was sure people in the hall could hear. ah well, turning the volume down, i began a culture study.
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--porn--
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a word about japanese porn is needed here. the japanese government has decided that the display of female and male genitals or pubic hair be deemed illegal. the porn industry still thrives, however, making use of mozaic smudges and lots of boobs. tonight's episode starred some hot, young chick and an old, nasty guy. i didn't see his face very often cause it was most of the time behind the smudge. a lot is left up to the imagination in japanese porn, but there was something involving a long string.....we'll leave it at that.
the interesting thing was this, after business was done, there was an interview with the porn star. it started off with victoria secret-esque pictures of the previous opera singer, and then cut to a fully-clothed interview. some guy off camera asked questions, interesting questions, like 'do you like your job as a porn star?', 'what's the most difficult part?', and 'are you ever embarassed to be in porn flicks?', you know, the kinds of things that everyone wants to know. she responded honestly, i guess, and then said it was embarrasing until she forgot about the camera. then the sharp questioner asked 'what part about it is embarrasing?', she sorta gave an are-you-serious laugh....
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--i like toilets--
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after the porn cut out in the middle of another interesting scene, i decided to go back to reading. that soon got old and i fought the mild urge to turn back on the porn. anyway, bed time. i used the phone to wake me up at 7. then i used the chopsticks to eat....yogurt. i didn't have anything else, and i had to use em. oh, then i used a plate for my bread, and i used the safe to lock the complimentary tooth brush and toothpaste in. then i used the mirror to tie my tie and the sink to brush my teeth. then it was time for the toilet.
like most things in japan, toilets fall into one of two catagories: small and pragmatic or oversized and completely impractical. this room had one of the toilets i like to refer to as supertoilets. these babies come completely turbo charged with seat heater, butt washer, butt dryer, and two kinds of flushes, and of course variable water and heat controls. i wanted to use everything, but i didn't have to poop. so i decided to just pee and experiment. i first turned on the power......nothing monumentous there. then i decided to push the butt washer button, but nothing happened. odd. did i mention i was standing up? ah, i thought, maybe the seat has to be down. so i put the seat down and was instantly greeted with the whir of some hidden engine or fan. ok, take two, butt dryer. wheeeeeeeee. that was neat. ok, back to butt washer... i set the water level to medium and press the button. a slow mechanical arm comes out from the back of the toilet and positions it self near the middle of the bowl. neat, i think. then i am suddenly under attack by a super soaker water gun blast that nearly takes off my head before i can shriek and jump back. i dodge most of the barrage and marvel at the fact that medium strength water made it to the ceiling. but, what's this? oh no! i'm hit! i'm hit! my head, pants and shirt are pretty wet and i'm supposed to meet my boss in ten minutes. i laugh a lot by myself and then use the towel to clean my wounds. neat. more or less dry, i use the shoe horn to try to put on my doc martens. it didn't work. perhaps i needed a boot horn.
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--last week's brain twister answer--
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of course brian had to send me a prompt reply with the right answer. first cut the cake into four pieces, then slice it horizontally. i'll think of a better one next time. till then...